Humped.

Penny pulled me down the steep sidewalk, squirming to sniff and squat.

Heel! Penny heeeeel!

I wined.

You should hump Penny.

Scott suggested with all seriousness.

For dominance, he meant. But I'll clarify for those whose imaginations are swan diving into dumpsters: dogs hump other dogs when they need to know their place in the pecking order and Scott's suggestion for me to hump our dog, Penny, stems from my inability to consistently hold higher status than her.

After our walk, while sprawled beside Scott on the couch, I decided to take his tip but alter it slightly and straddle his leg and hump him, which, of course, flipped my husband into a fit of giggles that I then quieted with grotesque growling and barking.

Penny, you seein' this?

I hollered to the dog who sat beside the couch wagging her tail, stiffly.

Up, Penny, up!

I commanded and she obeyed, jumping to my side. It's working, I thought, dismounting Scott's leg and climbing onto Penny's small furry body.

My sisters squealed when I explained how I had been naked with Penny in the bathtub.

I was about to jump in the shower and she needed a bath!

I protested.

My mother shook her head when she saw Penny follow me into the loo to keep me company during my bathroom business.

"I watch her poop all the time!"

I retorted.

I cheer for her to poop and whoop congratulations when she chooses a spot amongst tall grass. Sometimes, I even have to pick up her poop in plastic bags and carry it in my hand like a purse.

I can't imagine what they will say to this. My clothes were on when I dry humped my dog for dominance. I want to make that clear before anyone assumes otherwise. And yes, I understand that this is very different from the tub or the toilet. Very worse. Extremely strange, borderline illegal, creepy. I know this.

I hope no one walks in right now.

I said between awkward thrusts before I gave up and dismounted, dissatisfied, watching as Penny climbed down. She looked so bored by the events. How could it not have worked? I wondered, genuinely perplexed and upset by the outcome.