Monday is my birthday.
As I jog with Penny in the morning, I think about the birthdays of my childhood. I do not remember specific parties or presents, but I remember that birthday feeling of remarkably emotional fragility.
At noon, I walk into work. Nobody sings and nobody says obligatory Happy Birthdays in horrendous high pitch apologetic voices.
"Oh! It's your birthday? Happy Birthday!"It is always a chain reaction of blush and retreat. Therefore, I keep my birthday a secret.
"Thanks."
"It's your birthday? Happy Birthday."
"Yeah, thanks."
"I didn't know that! Happy Birthday."
"Thanks."
After work, I pull into our dark driveway, disappointed. There are no balloons on the mailbox and no parked cars of friends. I don't need a surprise party, I tell myself. I just had a wedding for selfish's sake and before that a surprise wedding shower was thrown for me. I don't need a surprise party.
I don't want a surprise party.
A couple friends. A couple friends with a cake would be nice. No, I don't need that. It's Monday night. My friends are tired and so am I.
I don't want to see anyone anyway.
Maybe Scott got me a cupcake or something.
But Scott hasn't any baked goods for me. When I get home, he is working silently at the desk. I make his lunch for the next day and ignore the dishes in the sink.
Later I lay in bed speechlessly disappointed that my night has reflected the normalcy of my day. I haven't blown out any candles, I think regretfully.
I have to wish something, don't I?
I thought I had outgrown it, but I haven't and I don't expect I will. Forever on the evening of my birthdays, I will hope for the lights to be dimmed and for my mother to walk out of the kitchen with a birthday cake covered in brightly burning candles.
Tonight, Tuesday night, I am drinking a beer, eating two bowls of popcorn and lighting candles.
I'll make a wish when I go to bed.
Aw Rach I'll give ya a candle to blow out!! And if you want I'll sing in a really bad voice happy birthday ;)
ReplyDeleteIf I had your talent for non-fiction and description, I'd write something about a lifetime filled with remembering people's birthdays, noticing when they got their haircut, knowing what foods they did and didn't like and even obscure people in their lives they told me about over two years ago. No one ever notices that I do this, and lately, as I've been drowning in to-do's and guilt, and sorely lacking funds, I decided that I needed to chill out about birthdays. If I see something I really think someone would value, I'd perhaps get it for them, but really, I'd spend my energy writing a card. And if I occasionally missed a birthday, I would just breathe and remind myself that my birthday often goes unnoticed, (until it does with a BANG every decade or so) and that that is actually how "normal" people live. They don't keep track of all this stuff, for all the people they've ever known. So I relaxed this year. Breathing through it. And now this!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI didn't even have it in my contacts for you, so only realized the day after...and then panicked, because of all the birthdays this year I wanted to celebrate, your was absolutely top of my list.
I'm glad we are both still growing. And that you are bravely writing. And deeply glad you are my friend. L
What beautiful writing....all of it! Happy birthday, Rachel--maybe late, but no less heartfelt!!
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Kathy