“Do you ever wonder if you're missing your soul mate by staying with me?” He asks as he lays across our bed. “No, you are my soul mate.” I say after a short regard to his question. “I don't want to be holding you back."
It isn’t you that keeps me from pursuing absurdly expensive graduate school or backpacking through Ireland. It is us that keeps me from abandoning the familiar normalcy of our here and now. I do not want to break this routine or my heart by living apart and racking up loans that take winning the Mega Millions three times over to pay off in
full. I like now. Sometimes it takes a cup of coffee for me to say it to you as many times as I did today, but deep down the bottomless pit of my stomach, I do know it.
"What would you change about me, if you could?" He asks next and I actually began to answer this question. In fact, I do answer it and so much detailed data to assemble a 90-minute power point presentation. “I would make you ambitious.” I say.
As this statement dives into his sensitive ears, I back up and backpedal as simultaneously as I can. Why this sudden desire to play Lady Macbeth? I don't want Scott killing anyone. And I certainly do not want to die in an offstage suicide. So, I retort my statement. If you were "ambitious," I say, you would lose your relaxed nature that laughs away the retirement plans I have made for the two of us. I would change nothing. I would change nothing about you. To me, you are perfect. I know that's a titanic cliché, but luckily for me, it's true. You are perfect for me, that is.
This whole response to Scott’s question stems from my mother. Sunday morning, before going to work, I read this email from her.
Hey - Dad told me about your exchange of emails this a.m. So I'm butting in - I think you would be a little foolish not to audition for the Shakespeare in Boston. Several reasons - you have said yourself that auditioning is hardest when you don't do it often; if you do get in, it can be worked out with Scott's family and any other weddings this summer. Just because there are weddings, does not mean you should put your own life on hold. It is one thing to be there for others, but please do not forget your own goals and passions. Audition - you need to. My opinion...
MOM
This made me cry ugly, face distorting tears. Then I went to work telling myself that I am lazy, unambitious and afraid of rejection and disappointment. That night Mom came to eat with Dad, Samantha and Jess, at the restaurant. After which, she left me a note:
I'm just saying...Let's make a date~ in the meantime, put yourself first if possible. Love you forever!
MOM
That morning, I cried because she was right. I cried because I felt lazy and misguided. I cried because of PMS. I cried because it is me that needs the push, not Scott.
"What would you change about me, if you could?" He asks next and I actually began to answer this question. In fact, I do answer it and so much detailed data to assemble a 90-minute power point presentation. “I would make you ambitious.” I say.
As this statement dives into his sensitive ears, I back up and backpedal as simultaneously as I can. Why this sudden desire to play Lady Macbeth? I don't want Scott killing anyone. And I certainly do not want to die in an offstage suicide. So, I retort my statement. If you were "ambitious," I say, you would lose your relaxed nature that laughs away the retirement plans I have made for the two of us. I would change nothing. I would change nothing about you. To me, you are perfect. I know that's a titanic cliché, but luckily for me, it's true. You are perfect for me, that is.
This whole response to Scott’s question stems from my mother. Sunday morning, before going to work, I read this email from her.
Hey - Dad told me about your exchange of emails this a.m. So I'm butting in - I think you would be a little foolish not to audition for the Shakespeare in Boston. Several reasons - you have said yourself that auditioning is hardest when you don't do it often; if you do get in, it can be worked out with Scott's family and any other weddings this summer. Just because there are weddings, does not mean you should put your own life on hold. It is one thing to be there for others, but please do not forget your own goals and passions. Audition - you need to. My opinion...
MOM
This made me cry ugly, face distorting tears. Then I went to work telling myself that I am lazy, unambitious and afraid of rejection and disappointment. That night Mom came to eat with Dad, Samantha and Jess, at the restaurant. After which, she left me a note:
I'm just saying...Let's make a date~ in the meantime, put yourself first if possible. Love you forever!
MOM
That morning, I cried because she was right. I cried because I felt lazy and misguided. I cried because of PMS. I cried because it is me that needs the push, not Scott.
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