The Blue Woman

I am the blue woman, crying into the color, seeking the light within.  

This painting was made by my beloved Christina many years ago. She gifted it to me during my twenties, a time of meandering within the misery of doubt and uncertainty. Recently, I noticed the gold on the left of the blue woman, just below the hip. It is more subtle in person, but it looks like this when photographed. Here I see a candle. I see gold light. The blue woman looks like shadow. 

I have lived in shadow and I have lived in light. Now I know that I can be both. That I must be both, both blue and gold. Gold in the moments of rest, bliss, ease, and joy. And blue in the shadows of grief and fear and naivety.  I feel now the gold within me. This summer, it burst and bloomed. Christina is gold. She brings me (and many) to the light. In this painting, I am the blue woman, seeping through the canvas of form, dripping to Mother Earth, wet with sorrow and soul and sadness. I am also the gold heart, soft and luminous. I am both blue and gold. For the blue is gold and the gold is blue. Multitudes. I am multitudes. 

Purity and perfection are myths of myths. They are not impossible. We are pure. We are perfection. We are among and within sin. And we are among and within our lives of love, light, and learning. It is meant to be this way. We are here to transform. Avoidance is the abandonment of truth.  At 40 years old, I am deep within my metamorphosis. I now meander less and listen more. I have been transforming since the beginning. 

I once believed I was all shadow. Years later, I yearned to be all gold. I hoped to hide in golden bliss for the rest of my life. It was a hopeful lie and a helpful one. For in my seeking, I learned how to fly. Now I know that I can live with and within gold and blue. I can weep for my mistakes. And I can shine too with the light of love. 

I am the blue woman, and I am the gold woman.