She's a baby!

She wiggles free of me and crawls toward the tissue box or the picture frame (the one with the black and white photograph my brother took of her and me a week after she was born --"momma" I say pointing to my face); or to the edge of the mattress to slap it and screech at the dog who sleeps beneath her daddy’s bedside table. I pull her back to me, hold her close and sing. Put the baby down and walk away. They’ll cry the first few times, but eventually they’ll learn to self-soothe and go to sleep.  If I lay her in her crib, though, and she's still very much awake, she stands and smirks and bites the clothed bar. I try to never smile back or laugh or even get visibly angry, but still she knows that her little trick is hilarious and un-defeatable by me, her mother. Put the baby down and walk away! But when I do her eyes go pink and watery with immediate tears as she wails for me to reappear. I know it might eventually work, but I don’t like it, and so here I am, holding a stack of cardboard books she’d rather eat than listen to; a pacifier she's nearly outgrown; and a bottle of water.  We lay on my bed or on the love seat in her bedroom. I give her my body (my hair for her to hold, smell, and mouth until she pulls too hard and I must take it back and tie it up; my breasts and whatever milk they make; my mouth close for kisses; my strong arms for cradling; and my voice of whispered song). If I let her, she stands on my tummy (oh how unbelievable to remember she was once inside this squishy, shallow skin). Of course she’s scared to be alone! She’s a baby. She wants to be near me. She needs to be near me. I am her provider and protector.  I too need to be near her, for the sound of her sobs rattle my ribcage until my insides feel warm and I have a taste of metal in my mouth. I can't not go to her. Some nights I let her play on the floor because her afternoon nap was late. Sometimes I give her a second dinner at 8p.m while I wash the dishes from our earlier supper. I recently moved her bedtime from 7:00pm to 8:30p.m. and now she’s sleeping through the night most of the time. She still sometimes wakes around 4a.m. because she’s cold or hungry, but I don't mind. I haven't read many baby blogs or books. I don't want to bog my brain with expectations and time lines that won’t align with my child's inner calendar. Amelia began crawling at 8 months. She’s been standing and cruising since she was 9 months. She says "hi" now to us and anyone she feels like it and she can pinch food with her fingers to feed herself. And she can drink from a straw or a little cup (with help). She can wave and clap her hands. She is interested in stairs, trees, the dog, paper book covers and she loves watermelon as much as me. She might do some things “early”. She might do some things “late". She might be a big baby now at 23 pounds, while she was considered too small before birth. As long as she’s safe, fed and sleeping well, I’m happy.