Baby?

In the five-star vestibule of attentive waiters, crystal chandeliers, a tremendously tall Christmas tree, salty nuts and shiny glasses of liquor, my father tells us about when he and my mother started having us kids. They had had no plan, he tells us. They both wanted children so when they found themselves pregnant just a couple months after their wedding day, they embraced it. 

As Scott and I leave the hotel lobby where my father is staying downtown, my husband turns to me and says, "We should have a baby." 

"What? Are you serious?" I exclaim, searching his face for sarcasm.  

"We're ready now." 

I feel a little nauseous. Not by the conversation, but by all the fancy mixed nuts I've consumed. 

"Was it something my dad said? Or was it that little girl?" I ask, while he leads us through the windy city streets to the bus.

"Both." 

While my father speaks on topics of politics and life, a very young child becomes entranced with Scott. With pierced ears and footy pajamas, she runs to my husband and gives him coasters. With them, he plays peek-a-boo and does magic tricks. She's quite delighted, laughing with a pink bottle dangling from the grip of her tiny teeth. Despite our merriment, the girl's father appears embarrassed to have bothered strangers and takes her back to the girl's mother and older sister. When the toddler is with her family behind us, she watches Scott. And when her father carries her off to bed, she flaps her hand in a wave. We wish her "sweet dreams" and "good night."  

"What are we waiting for? We're ready now." He says. 

"Well... health insurance, but we can pay for it." I say wondering whether we can in fact pay for it as well as a baby. I don't say anything against his proposal because I am too blinded by excitement to say anything that would derail my husband's baby train of thought, however in my head I am calculating... We still owe $3000 to his parents for our car. We have $1000 we need to pay on the credit card. I still owe about $2000 in school loans and we both make very modest wages. Also, there's this: Could we live on Scott's pay? No. Do we want to have a baby in Chicago? I don't know. Can we even fit a crib in our bedroom? Probably not. Do we have money to buy little baby clothes, baby blankets, a crib, diapers, wipes, diaper rash cream, or some kind of rocking chair? No, no, no.  

"Everyone says you'll never have enough money." We whisper during the rumbling bus trip north. We could make it work. If we just keep waiting for the "right time", it'll never be the right time. We're emotionally ready, isn't that enough? All you need is love, right? I don't know about that. We have plenty of love, but I can't write a check for rent with love nor can I fill up the gas tank or grocery cart with love. 

That night when we get off the bus and cross our street, I ask if this is happening tonight. Scott pauses. Then says that we shouldn't start tonight. That we should talk about it more tomorrow. 

After Scott falls asleep beside me, my thoughts keep me awake as they scramble from one idea to the next. If we got pregnant now I would have the baby in August... 

I sleep four hours that night, falling into sleep around 2am, and then catching myself awake at 6:30am in mid-thought. I think about baby all day long. I drink baby coffee and despite my lack of baby sleep I am baby excited. I call Scott twice to see if he's come to any conclusions. He hasn't. We'll talk when we get home from work. He's going to call his father to talk to him about it. Ok, I tell him, that's a great idea. An hour later, I call him for the second time. 

"We'll talk about it when we get home." 

"Fine!" 

That night, we talk. I am immediately disappointed. Scott knows, as I've known all along, that we just aren't ready yet. Scott's father said that we'd need health insurance a few months before becoming pregnant otherwise we wouldn't be covered. He also said that we'd need to make sure we were ok with being in Chicago for it all. Also, he said, Scott needs to be making more money. 

"I'm sad." I say. "It was so exciting to have you so excited." 

"We don't have to stop being excited. It's going to happen. Just not yet."